I’ve been reading the Harry Potter series “Saving Conner” for a week now and I can honestly say, that if I had known what a hassle it would be to read it, I never would have started. It’s addictive but it’s also frustratingly long and SLOW!!!!! Book three and four was among the most painful things I have ever read. Every time one of the many problems in the story was going to lead somewhere there was always a “No you don’t need to confront this problem now” or “I don’t have to tell him that, he might get upset” stopping it. OVER AND OVER AGAIN FOR ABOUT 10 000 PAGES!!!!

Very frustrating.

What’s worse is that I haven’t been able to focus on my fictions. I want to start working on “Kick” but I want “Wallflower” totally out of the way first. The last chapter is done and my beta reader has it but I still have a side story to write that is for some reason turning out to be one of the most useless things I have ever written.

Very frustrating.

Unfortunately, I most likely will not be able to focus on writing for some time now since I just got Sims 3… god damn, it’s going to be worse then Saving Conner.

Fuck.

So, I had an unpleasant experience yesterday.

A friend of mine who I have not seen in a few months shared some upsetting things that has made me very… down.

Let me tell you what’s going on.

She doesn’t live in the same town and she have been mystericaly absent when ever I try to get a hold of her but I just figured that she was busy. Now I find out that she has been awoiding me and decided to never see me again. This was news to me, I hadn’t even been aware that she was upset with me.

A little bit of background story. This girl, let’s call her B, has a history of picking up the wrong kind of guys that ends up breaking her heart and then it’s time to pick up the pieces. This has been going on for years and I admit that I have been a bit overprotective of her, trying to help her get out of sticky situations, trying to keep the creeps away from her when we go out and so on.

Now, about three years ago she meet this guy. Let’s make a long story short. When he breaks up with her I get to hear a lot of stuff about him, non of them good. He has been treating her like crap for a year and then when he breaks up with her, she is heartbroken. I literally rush back to town because I seriously thought she was going to end up hurting herself. So after trying to help her pick up the pieces for a week, spending hours listening to a lot of… bad things, they get back together again.

Now, I was not happy about this and I did not make a secret out of it, I told it to her face. The thing about me is that what you see is what you get. Good? Bad?  A little bit of both. When I think something, I say it. I might end up regretting things I said but you will get the truth.

So a week after that, he breaks up with her again, by sending a phone messages. She is heartbroken, I try to help… more or less successfully. Then they get back together again a week later. He gives her a worthless excuse about how that massages wasn’t -really- to break up with her, she had misunderstood him. Believe me, I read the thing, you can’t misunderstand “this is not working between us” and so on.

Does anyone even wonder why I don’t like this guy?

Now, in this whole mess I had dropped out/taken a break from school, trying to find work and borrowing far too much money from my parents so I admit that I wasn’t the best friend one could be.

Which brings us to now. I started realizing that it had been a long time since we had seen each other so I started sending her emails, trying to get a hold of her. After a few days I get a message saying that we need to talk. We need to talk. Very, very bad words. This is where I start to realize that things might not be as good as I thought it was.

We met at a café, she seems very stiff and unhappy while I try to act natural, clueless to what’s going on.

So we sit down and I ask what’s going on. Slowly, things start to come to the surface.

She had decided to never see me again, this having a lot to do with the fact that I didn’t like her boyfriend.

First thing she brings up is that I left without saying anything at a party we were at. She had taken her boyfriend along and the two of them spends most of the party sitting silently by a table. I can’t remember everything that went on that night but I remember trying to talk to them but it ended up falling flat. It was a lot more fun to talk to my boyfriend that has showed up with his friends who were more in the party mood and giving my sister attention who wasn’t really comfortable there. I’m not making excuses, or maybe I am, I don’t know. You can only see the world through your own eyes and that’s the way I saw it. So I didn’t say a lot to her boyfriend, basically because since I know myself enough to know that my mouth will say what I think and what I was thinking wasn’t very nice. So I didn’t say anything at all, more or less.

I apparently left this party without saying anything, something I don’t remember (there were alcohol involved) but she had been very hurt by this. When she told me this I felt bad, but I knew that it wouldn’t be the only thing.

So she keeps talking. A lot of it was not flattering.

She was angry that I didn’t like her boyfriend and that I had been going around behind her back, telling people that I thought he was the devil.

…what… the…fuck?

This is where my brain dies. I know that I have never called her boyfriend the devil because I have never called anyone the devil. (I might have called him devilish – a word that is a lot let harsh in Swedish and used from everything to bad weather to worse things) So I wanted to know who told her that. She doesn’t want to say. I press and she tells me that my boyfriend was the one to tell her boyfriend that.

My brain died again.

Now, let me tell you about my boyfriend. He, like me, never analyze anything but at the same time he hates fighting so he would never say a bad word about anyone. The worst thing I have ever heard him say about anyone was about a guy at his work that he though “had bad work moral and he didn’t like him very much” so to hear that he had said to her boyfriend that I though he was the devil just did not compute.

I point out that I never made it a secret that I didn’t like her boyfriend but that I had not called him the devil and that I had not been talking about her behind her back. And I hadn’t. People had asked what was going on and I had told them that I didn’t like him and that I thought she could do better but that they were back together. Nice? Maybe not, but it was the truth.

So instead of confronting me, she gives me the silent treatment. But let me tell you, that giving the silent treatment to someone who doesn’t analyze things is pretty pointless. I thought everything was fine.

She also had a few other “proofs” that I had been going behind her back.

1. My boyfriend had stopped inviting her boyfriend to his parties for a while and she immediately though that that was because of me. (The truth was that my boyfriend simply stopped partying for awhile since there had been too much drinking over the summer)

2.A friend of ours had made a joke about how B was only with her boyfriend because of the money (since she was unemployed and he wasn’t) and she thought I was behind it and that I had been spreading rumors about her.

3. My sister had been acting strangely around her (My sister had just been dumped by her fiancé and plus that it wasn’t really a secret that B had broken up with her boyfriend twice and all that) and she thought I was responsible.

4.I had been acting superior to her rubbing her face with “the fact”(or what ever you should call it) that my boyfriend was better than hers (or something like this, I don’t know). The truth… I don’t know. Like I said before, I never made it a secret that I didn’t like him but did the “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all” thing. Maybe I talked about my boyfriend instead to fill out the silence, maybe she just over analyzed it, I don’t know. All I know is that I didn’t do anything to make her feel bad on purpose.

5.My boyfriend had not said hallo to her at two times. (My boyfriend is a complete airhead and have at a time walked right past me too. She also went from blond to brunet so that might be a reason too.)

6. I had told her boyfriend that he really was too young for her. (I was –trying- to be friendly and to make a joke since she had been going for older guys for a long time. That apparently fell very flat.)

7.I had been lording over her, treating her like she couldn’t think on her own. Once again, I don’t know. I have a strong personality and I have a bad habit of being bossy with people sometimes (most of my friends and family just rolls their eyes and ignore me). I figure that I might have been a bit too overprotective of her considering our history (She getting hurt. Me trying to protect her and comfort her).

She, because of this, felt like she couldn’t trust me and decided to push me out of her life. Without telling me. Once again, giving clueless people the silent treatment doesn’t work, we don’t think that far.

Now, yes, I was very angry with her boyfriend at the start (can you really blame me?) but it wasn’t like I was bad talking him non-stop or like I didn’t at least try to be friendly every now and then. But I guess it was too little, too late.

Now, I hate pointless misunderstandings and unsolved problems. I have already apologized to her and I’m going to talk to her boyfriend and apologize to him. I have talked to my boyfriend and going to talk to our friend and I might even go so far as to talk to my sister about this. I refuse to have something like this between us. I don’t hold grudges and I don’t want people to hold grudges with me. I have to solve this. She is one of my best friends, I can’t lose her.

One should not think too much, it only leads to bad, bad things. But at the same time, one should think before they act. You might spare a lot of people’s feelings.

Well, first of all, my fishes are feeling fine again. Wufei was the first to recover and a week later, so did Duo. They are both looking half starved,especially Duo who looks like a fish version of a Holocaust victim. My poor babies :(

I've been writing a lot lately, unfortunately not on what I should be writing on. My "Duo the Neko" story is taking up far too much of my time but I just can't help myself, it's so much fun!

I finally got Wallflower going again (thank god for Ronin 101, I thought I was losing my mind) and it shouldn't take long now before I can send it off. I even found myself a new beta reader for it *sigh of relief* (covenmouse, you rock my world).

Not much else going on apart from work... a lot of work. Yay! Money! ... not so much yay over the fact that I will be working my ass off. Oh well.

 

So. Let’s talk about fishes. Or more exactly, my fishes. As I mentioned before, I recently got myself a aquarium and indulged myself with beautiful, but expensive fishes.

Now, to start the story. In the beginning, there were five “princesses from Burundi” as they are called and a three “sword-bearers” (I have no idea what these fishes are called in English and I really don’t feel like looking it up. Let’s just say that they are the cheep, fishes that dies all the time. That should be enough)

There were two male Burundi fishes and three females. I was a bit apprehensive to having two males since, in my experience, males have a habit of fighting. But I was told that with these fishes, that wouldn’t be a problem since they were very peaceful. I wasn’t convinced but I bought them anyway.

Then, as I mentioned before, the males got along well. So well to the point where they ignored the females and started doing their mating dance together non stop for like two days (the mating dance contains a lot of ass shaking and swimming around each other in a hole in the ground.)

So what was a yaoi obsessed girl supposed to do? I named them Duo and Wufei, of course.

Now, these two fishes are actually the only fishes that get along in my aquarium  and they rule the place with an iron… um, fin.

The names turned out to be very fitting. Duo is the curios, twitchy one who likes to explore and sometimes get stuck in the sea weed during his adventures. Wufei on the other hand is the muscle flexing, slightly moody fish who hates females.

Now, the smaller female was chased  around the aquarium to the point where I had to fish her out and return her to the pet store so that she would be killed (to Wufei’s defense, he wasn’t the only one who chased her, he was just the ringleader).

Then they were four.

This is when I got the brilliant idea to put down a tipped over pot that they could lay their eggs in. Bad idea.

Or a good idea since it kind of worked. Wufei and Duo, who never before had shown any interest in the females, now started following the largest female (named the Queen) around. Or more exactly, they chased her. They chased her to the point where she died. Bummer.

So, more then  a little surprised that they had managed to kill her in less then two days, I fished both the dead  fish  and the pot out off the aquarium.

And then they were three.

Summer came and I went away to visit my boyfriend/parents/friends, leaving the fished in the hands of my roommate.

So, I week or so after I left, I get a message from my roommate who tells me that I have fry in my aquarium (fry? Such a strange word for baby fishes, it makes me think of fish sticks). I was very excited and asked how many. About twenty was the answer.

O.O

Now, I’m used to getting about three to seven of them, so twenty sounded like a lot. And it was. I could hardly believe my eyes when I got back home and saw the cloud of small silver fished swimming around.

That followed was a tough time for my sword-bearers. Wufei was absolutely ruthless in chasing everyone away, guarding the fry like crazy while Duo stayed at home in the cave, taking care of the kids and making sure that they were safe. The female (who I by now had nick named the surrogate mother)  didn’t give a shit.

And then they were twenty-three.

… Until a few weeks later when there suddenly was a new cloud of fry swimming around with their larger siblings. Wufei and Duo was happy, the female mostly just swam around looking for food without a care in the world while the sword-bearers were terrified and losing their fins fast for getting too close in Wufei’s opinion.

And then they were fifth-three. (By now I’m panicking over what I was supposed to do with all of them. I could most likely sell a few of them but unless I wanted to drive all over the country, I couldn’t sell them all. The aquarium is hardly big enough to fit the adults!)

So, fifth-three, not counting the three terrified sword bearers.

And if you don’t count all the snails that are living there. I bought some plants and got some uninvited guests. So counting the snail, they would be about two hundred.

I bought snail killing drops. Mahahaha! You are going down, suckers!

The next day, all the baby fishes were dead.

O.O . . . what . . . the fuck?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

I had been told when I bought the drops that they were perfectly harmless for fishes and that it would only kill the snails. But apparently, that was not the case.

The female still don’t give a shit, the sword bearers are having the time of their life and the boys… the boys are depressed. I’m serious. I didn’t think fishes could be depressed but there it is.

Wufei hides most of the time, coming out every now and then to swim around aimlessly for a while, not caring for a second that there are other fishes on his territory. Duo hasn’t left his cave in days and non of them has eaten since it happened.

-Cries- My poor babies! Nooooo!

The snails are still alive, it was all for nothing.

I got an email from “My dark eyed wallflower’s” beta today. She just moved to the other side of the globe and won’t be able to start beta reading the chapter for another two weeks. So I should have the chapter in about a month or so.

I feel a lot better knowing that. Now I can focus on something else.

I want to finish "My dark eyed wallflower"

I really want to. The thing is that I've written as much as I can at the moment. The only thing left on the last chapter is a hole that I left deliberately. I wanted the people reading the story to make requests on what they wanted to happen in the very last chapter so I left a part of the chapter open.

The problem is that people can't make requests until I have asked for it and I can't ask for it until chapter 16 is posted and I can't post it until I get it back from my beta reader. Unfortunately I haven't heard a word from her in a month. I sent her a email about a week ago but she haven't answered. I might have to send more of them since it might as well be my evil computers fault... again.

I don't blame my beta reader for needing time since real life is kind of kicking her ass at the moment. Too bad that I'm so impatient because to me it feels like it’s done.

Oh well, other than that. The epilogue for  ”What nature ”is done and sent off to its beta reader. I’m not quite pleased with it but it was the best I could come up with. I started writing a “ten years later” chapter that I thought I could post after the epilogue. So far it’s going very well. It’s not going to be all that long but it’s going to be fluffy and sweet, that’s for sure. I’m still trying to make up my mind if I’m going to write a sex scene or not. I have a idea but I’m not sure if I should use it.

The thing is that it just gets so close to what I’m writing in “Isn’t life just a kick in the crouch” with the whole straight man turning gay. I just feel that until I have finished that story, I won’t be able to write anything in that theme.

Another thing that is getting a bit worrying is that I’m starting to lose my inspiration for “Kick.” Not permanently, never that, but for the moment. Just a few weeks ago I was all for writing it, but now I just keep writing short stories out of “Normal people’s” sequel.

But I said I was going to finish “Kick” first so that’s what I’m going to do.  Luckily I’m going to be fixing up “Kick” with Covenmouse’s help (thank god for her, that’s all I have to say about that)  so I might get my inspiration back soon. I hope.

So. What am I writing on right now?  The “what nature” thingy, the Duo the neko cliché and pieces of Normal people’s sequel.

I just love the picture of Duo chasing butterflies that is stuck in my head at the moment.

practically inseparable in the later. Maybe it's just in my head but really, I think that's enough of a reason to rewrite it. I just need to find a beta willing to take it on. I am not getting another one, I refuse. I already have... six of them. I'm going to have to ask round to see if anyone is interested. Start at the top of the email list and work my way down.